It was by some sort of mini-miracle this morning that my person made it onto the cross-trainer. It's been an emotional one this past week, and it shall be no surprise that negative, soppy feelings are almost a sure guarantee that a) food intake will increase and b) exercise will decrease.
And if ever there were a time when even the athletic side of oneself does not take to the idea of working out, early Monday morning would be the time, wouldn't it.
I don't know who I can thank for this feat, but not only did I exercise, I had a mini-epiphany.
My life in the last several months, no years, no decades, has felt like a cruel game of Candyland whereby I seem to draw and redraw those fucking 'Go straight to the swamp and stay there' cards all-the-while my ‘unstuck’ opponents skip from happy square to happy square. As I say this, it isn't a declaration of some sort of self-pitying outlook on life whereby I believe those around me don't also experience trouble. I know they do. But most often in life it's largely not about the physical or strictly definable things that happen to us, but how we feel and react to anything and everything. Being a tender analyzing, critical person (which I am) is bound to get you down often--while your more hard headed friends give the appearance that life for them is for the most part Candyland winning streaks. My thought: for better and worse they simply don't feel or care as much as I, about anything.
I've talked before about my wish that I could act as though life was just about 'getting jiggy with it' on this or that 'happy square.' I know people who can at least act that way. I have friends who are jovial, well liked, and determined.
So what is the matter with me I've often wondered? Why such a needy mess am I?
This morning the importance of belonging to a group or groups came together for me. We humans long for people around us who will share the specific views, interests, and goals we have. Following food, water and employment--social connection is pivotal to our desire to live, isn't it?
Maslow's hierarchy of needs is pretty much common knowledge (and does not an epiphany make) but what was new to me was the answer to the question on why it is that I don't and can't belong to any notable group(s) of people.
What keeps me from feeling socially connected? And balanced?
I have friends whose first priority is health and sports—they’ve joined running groups. I know people who are in love with art--they act, keep up on theatre, collect paintings or take and hang photos. I know people who believe in God who go to church, join bible studies and attend ladies weekends.
What are my highest priorities (aside from food, fitness, etc)?
If you knew me and my life history you would likely understand my perhaps vague, but serious intertwining goals to: A) Protect innocence in myself and others, B) Act on behalf of those (particularly children) who have been stripped of value and/or their rights, C) To fight against the abuse of authority/power, D) To continue to investigate (regardless of assurance of answers) the beginning of man and woman, and ponder the unavoidable myriad of questions that follow that topic, E) To generally fight for restoration of so much lost to generations without admirable parents and role models.
I've become aware of at least two main problems/challenges with the above life goals:
A) There is no suitable group to join which aligns with and supports said priorities AND would still allow me to be me
B) Because of my history, of not feeling loved, liked and supported I have in fact 'trumped' all of the above priorities in favor of fitting in with those immediately around me. And if being liked is actually my highest priority, my priorities best not conflict in any way with the priorities of those I want to like me, thus their goals in many ways must become mine.
For the moment let’s set aside my immediate life reality whereby being liked is paramount. If and when I decide to reprioritize and pursue my natural goals irrespective of whether doing so might make me more or less likable to the average Joe, how would I go about identifying sources of support in achieving these targets?
Finding and joining groups should be a relatively easy task. If you run, you link up with runners, etc. I assume the common perception would be that for people like myself, with priorities similar to A through E as listed—is that the church would be the most likely option. However in my opinion, it being the most likely fit doesn’t make it an actual suitable or ready fit.
First, why do I assume that those outside the church wouldn't make for suitable members of this potential group I am looking for?
One problem with the general world as I see it would be that people don't care to care enough about other people. Sure many folks are nice, but often “gentle, socially common benevolence” stems from a desire to ensure either societal smoothness, a good economy or to pat oneself on the back versus a deep-rooted belief that one holds a higher level of responsibility for everyone around them. I am looking for people who feel it isn't their prerogative to 'do a good deed' in sharing with or looking out for others; but for people who believe it is a clear failure on their part if they don't do so. Yes there is a balance in involvement, but ignorance or timid efforts will be the default if one doesn't actively vest in the world as much as any intrinsically selfish being can.
Believing that you should feel ‘on the hook’ regarding those around you changes the lens through which you see everything. No longer is community volunteerism 3 Saturdays a year enough. And as I see it, no longer can you hold anything less than a burning passion to save girls from brothels or boys from NAMBLA. Yes, there is the problem in this paragraph of how I lept from an assumption we ought to help those around us to an assumption that adults ought never to have sex with children but you can feel free to put a blanket assumption that I am not open to any viewpoint which would disagree with the former non-tolerant statement in regard to that particular topic. Full stop!
The passion I have for ensuring social justice as I and the world commonly define it may or may not stem from my Christian parents influence. Anyway, who among us really can determine what of themselves is specifically and exactly of nature versus nurture versus a divine interruption of either. I do know my childhood family dynamics did not function without massive amounts of hypocrisy. Thankfully my belief in God is now my own (and not just a miming of my parents beliefs) but there is a part of me that feels disconnected to many aspects of Christian life. I might prefer (at least for the moment) to not define myself as one who is religious--but one, who if nothing else, simply can not live life without pondering the origin and purpose of life--and if you are curious, nearly 28 years of pondering has germinated a belief that there is assuredly A knowledgeable, life authoring deity.
But in identifying the church as the 'best option' to support said core goals let’s investigate why I believe it isn’t really a suitable partner for me overall.
One thing I envy about other life passions is that to have them you don't often have to give up much else critical to your own unique and perhaps 'sinful' routine. You can be a member of the athletic community and be one who gambles away all your money. You can pursue photography and be one who drinks a bottle of vodka every night.
The church however is not accepting of many vices or troubles or viewpoints. It's understandably (but also unfortunately) not open minded. The collective church is not largely happy to hear words like 'debate' or 'addiction.' Membership is (in spoken and unspoken terms) dependant on alignment with 50 odd attributes and your failure in any one arena may cause extreme discomfort within the group.
The result, should you still choose to join, is that you may in fact (to varying degrees) need to hide the reality of who you are in effort to maintain membership. Christians might be the world’s best liars given how much experience we have in keeping up an image which is prettier than what is real. If we do ‘tell’, we face a) marginalization or b) inundating attempts at reformation with little patience for your own pace (or God' supposed grace) in sorting certain things out.
I grieve knowing there are many people like myself that want to talk about God. To talk about issues of religion, but often ‘the church’ fails to be ready for the deepest of thinkers who may have the strongest of vices. Perhaps would-be disciples of today are wandering the streets wishing they could walk through the doors of a church with no fear of rejection what-so-ever. If ever I lead people, in a religious capacity one goal will be to work in simple words. Lets not spit out language like ‘three-fold chord’ and ‘year of jubilee’ when conversing with those that simply want confirmation that God made them and assurance that they can talk to him, and do so using their current vocabulary.
And so I can't join the church.
It’s not helpful to hide any part of myself. But I don’t want to deal with the reactions that will follow from Christians if I don’t. I won't settle for masks or mirages. I don't want to be a hypocrite, but if I am open, will you accept all of me, as I am; I want to ask the church? But I know the answer. And while most will try not to judge, I can count on receiving massive amounts of advice on any part of my lifestyle that jets out from the ideal. They will fail to appreciate the depth of the needs which I am meeting through means they don’t approve of. They’ll ask me to let go of ‘Comfort A’ before they give me time to replace it with a strong belief in the more constructive ‘Value X.’ They will fail to have patience as I work to feel hope for the future. What man would discipline himself for the good of his future if he doesn’t have faith that the long term has anything to offer over the short term?
What would church people say if they knew I carried condoms in my purse last Saturday night? What would they say if they knew I don't feel proclivity to read the bible more than once a month. What would they say if they knew that often I swear, and that I've probably watched every trampy episode of Sex and the City three or four times? How would they respond should I want to debate certain pillars of the faith such as 'no sex before marriage?' Not to mention all of the more common queries such as, ‘Where is God when?’
(There is another problem all-together, and that would be the group of Christians who see no problem at all with any of the former--no need to change anything, but we'll set that group aside for now)
And herein lies a huge problem. There are important issues to discuss and debate and yet 'they, the group' both is and isn't really this person or that. It's a large conglomerate for which there isn't an easy forum to address the collective union.
Do I approach the pastor? A small group leader? Perhaps, and possibly they may profess an understanding or compassion for the life I live. But said understanding will come with strict and urgent advice, probably unintentional pushy attitudes, maybe judgment and any trail I blaze with the given individual may not aid relations with the church as a whole. So at best I’d find transparency with a small few, but often be forced to hide my true self as I meander among the larger group. You’ don’t want your pew neighbors spying your condoms as you poke around in your purse for cash to place in the collection plate.
It isn't really about whether you are off kilter in life, but rather how you think and feel about your position and what you'd like to change. We all know that no one is perfect, nor will anyone ever be. But the most horrible of people are quite lovable if they confess to disappointment in the definition of themselves. I would rather befriend a person with 50 sins who is deeply aware of them, than one with 5 who has carved out a comfortable perch from which they feel little motivation to ever move.
So I don’t want to join the church.
I don’t want the church as it is. I don’t want to go on Sunday and hear another reminder of how to improve this or think about that--when really I can’t hear anything you say if my underlying needs according to Maslow’s hierarchy are unmet. I don’t want to socialize after communion (<- don’t let that word scare you, anyone reading) with people who are political game players at work, hypocritical role models for their children, who won’t admit that their priorities don’t align with Sunday conversations. I am far from perfect, but I am thinking and trying and I am not ok with excuses so much so that I paralyze myself. But I think the world needs a dose of super serious me. I want us all to lay ahold of higher standards.
Churchy friends don’t do talk of struggles and temptation very well. I can name 10 sins you are allowed to admit to, even encouraged to admit to, in most circles. Outside of those, there is a definable wall over which you are never to crawl although many of us live on the other side of it Monday through Saturday.
Should I work to change the church? Should I work to make it something that can be the main source of my social connection? Perhaps I should. But what is the likely outcome in asking a tired, disappointed and frustrated person to not only a) agree to accept the church’s weaknesses in the interim but also b) contribute to the fixing of them? This is a tall order. I suppose it’s about being the change you want to see, but personally I feel in my 2.8 decades I’ve fought so many fires just to survive and be where I am, that the idea of picking up a paddle for more upstream work is maddening. And sometimes more worldly offerings meet our basic needs more immediately. I can’t act like a whole person if I’m not a whole person.
As I talk about general skepticism of the structure of religious communities and their rituals I am also recently aware of general anger toward God--or the idea of God if you think I should say as this post does hint at some doubt and confusion. I am angry that sometimes he has left me pondering his involvement in my life reality. Angry that my life, despite any previous deep devotion to THE God I believed in, has largely introduced one hurdle after another with very few ribbons of achievement along the way. Angry that he gave me a mind that constantly asks hard questions and can’t ever feel settled without answers which never seem to come. Angry that everything that defines me seems to introduce a Catch22.
I don’t really see the point in believing in God if you don’t believe that he is active, caring, and powerful. And as of late I seem to fail to feel the positive effects of any of the aforementioned potential traits. I also don’t see the point in professing devotion to God unless you desire to open all chapters of your life for review in effort to let the bigger picture show evidence in every way that you truly do subscribe to said deity’s value system. Is it a) possible or b) worthwhile to partially believe in the God of the bible? Or really is it all or nothing?
I don’t disagree that the church professes a desire to fill it’s pews with troubled people it can proselytize. But my heart sits with those who like myself grew up hearing stories of Joseph and Noah and yet came into adulthood feeling that the moral of those stories vs. life experiences didn’t all quite fit together nicely like it should have.
The church may ramp up for attendance by the occasional prostitute or warlord, but where is the patience for those like myself who know the scriptures you will quote, who know the beliefs you will state, who understand the fundamentals of the faith and yet somehow haven’t felt a loving hand, a caring eye or known a steady role-model?
For the average person, some with even less ability to feel comfortable in a pew, the church is simply not user-friendly. There are those that feel mystified by and petrified of the idea of church. There are some who have been mislead or underserved by Christians, and until church works for them it doesn’t work for me. If we agree that I’ve recently lost my faith (it’s debatable whether one can lose it and even if one can I don’t know that I have) I have no intention of picking it up again unless it’s a faith strong enough to bring into the church with me these marginalized groups of people.
No one, religious or not, is successful at everything nor fails at everything. I know that we are all a work in progress. I know that our convictions should be formed independently to avoid them being half understood. I know that the church should not rush people to change. I believe the church ought to wake up and work to change the current general reality which has resulted in many people feeling more comfortable in bars than in temples. It seems current evangelism efforts are penetrating a concentrated few pools of people. Perhaps what is erred is not desire or intent, but I believe the world lacks people with the mindset and understanding on how to reach those outside the typical few groups of ‘unbelievers’ the church has successfully spoken to. Refer again to paragraph about nonsense language such as ‘three fold chord…’
Despite my questions on the nature or existence of God, I know the world needs a God. And the world, so much of it untouched, needs people who both understand God and can understand them. They need a listening ear with no funny reactions should they say fuck or shit or have Playboy subscriptions or drug addictions. We all need places and people that don’t require us to tip-toe around what we like and what we feel. I know from experience that often people feel they have no choice but to run from religion given a belief that God and ‘his people’ can’t handle who they really are. And grace seems to be something everyone else is entitled to.
This world longs for sincerity and real application; and so many of us lack it. We have very few role models who exhibit unwavering dedication to morality. This world, myself included, longs for transparency, patience and understanding. Can I become what I need before I get it myself? I suppose, if in some greater plan for my life I might achieve my goal of being to others what I have needed but haven’t received (which is how A-E tie together) I’ll have to trust I’ll be given the strength and wisdom and restitution I need to step forward despite my tired feet.
In re-reading what I have just written it is more ‘God-bent’ than I would have anticipated. But to use a phrase I am not sure I like, “It’s neither here nor there.” It just is. I am also not sure whether I have more of a problem with God alone or with God as exhibited by humans or with the humans that exhibit God—but perhaps this is a mixed subject (refer to nature vs nurture statements) and who really has an image of God which is completely independent of experiences with people who claim to follow him?
In this mainly analytical post I could have spent much more time attempting to explain or contemplate why it is I over-value friendship and acceptance. That isn’t a mysterious topic per se given that I grew up with so few people around me and I just did not have positive relationships with most of them, especially the two most critical people in a child’s life, mom and dad with whom I did not bond. There just may be a Part II post in where I delve more into that…
In the meantime, on my trek of religious pondering and exploration I’ve very recently been impressed by two things:
a) The lyrics of a song I listened to back in early adulthood which seems on point:
‘Holding Out Hope to You’ by Michael English
I know you’ve tried it all In your search for the truth
Somehow you’ve fallen for a lie
Trying to recall the simple ways of your youth
When your faith was strong and you never, never questioned why
But you found out life wasn’t easy
Sometimes the answers were hard to see
You didn’t have the strength for one more try
I’ll be holding out hope to you
Even when this world breaks your heart in two
When your life is consumed by your fear and your doubt
I’ll be holding out hope to you
b) a scripture; James Chapter 1, Verse 27 : “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”
I will reconfirm that I don’t read the bible very often as of late. And while Saturday was a day in which I contemplated casual sex with a random Spanish guy I met in a bar, it was also the first day in quite along time where I allowed myself to really think about anything ‘God related.’
This juxtaposition my friend is something the church needs to learn how to feel comfortable with. It’s not about sneaking more mediocrity into religion. I don’t think sex (as one topic) is one more pleasure which we can exploit in whatever way we fancy--but real people have real feelings and real temptations (if we agree casual sex is a ‘temptation’) don’t we?
As I sat this morning reading through Titus and James I was encouraged. And somewhat blown away by the verse above. I’ve never been a super-intelligent person. I can’t debate this or that issue of evolution or of how God is three in one. But I can tell you than on a very deep, deep level I’ve never doubted that we as humans are geared to be selfish and pursue what is not ‘holy’ and that there is an unmatched satisfaction in elevating and valuing above anything and everything, the desire to mimic the attributes the bible says God has.
Unfortunately the world generally--our parents, people--have taught us to accumulate knowledge on everything. The more you know the more you’re worth. But the problem I have with this mindset is often we go peaking into corners we shouldn’t. We want to investigate what we don’t really want. And then we get jaded. And we lie. We lust and envy. Our hearts get hard—which might sound like one more Christiany phrase I should avoid—to put that in simple terms, our hearts get ‘Grinchy.’ And we lose our innocence and our priorities change. I am keenly aware of a mandate to protect my own purity and childlikeness; it is critical to having a working compass, and any real beauty, in one’s life.
There are so many conflicting views on this or that Christian principle. In all the confusion I don’t want to reject the whole thing. I’ve long believed in keeping faith issues simple and the above verse seems to offer God’s ok in doing so. It’s such a confirmation that my simple but serious goals are on point, even if I can’t answer anything else and at times, such as now, feel so neglected and angry given hard knocks that I don’t at the moment appreciate.
My A, B, C, D, and E goals and the advice of that verse come together in summation: A) don’t be polluted by the world--protect your innocence, B) care about those around you; abused children, the poor.
So what we have my friends, at the end of all the above is some answers, some encouragement and some challenges.
Questions: Does God exist? If he does, what is he capable of? Is he active? What defines him? What areas of my life is he able to affect/improve/change? If he does, what does he stand for? Does this differ from what his ‘followers’ emulate? If he does, how can we/I show God as he is to the world? If he does, do I need to give up anything? If yes, does it matter much what I don’t give up? If he doesn’t exist, how does this affect my life choices? My goals? If he does exist, how does this affect my life choices? My goals? How do I go about finding support in achieving my life goals with God? Without God? How do I go about reprioritizing and making my targets more importance than social acceptance?
It seems appropriate knowing myself to end this post with a bunch of questions…
The J.W. Marriott held a 'Holi' party on Good Friday. It's a celebration of the God of Color and in observance the community basically holds paint fights, everywhere. Eastery colors are splashed on anyone within reach until your clothing appears dark purple or blackish from the mixtures.
The beach just off the grounds of the Park Hyatt where we stayed in Goa. Thankfully it was relatively uncrowded. It was on this beach I found (and kept) a wooden bead bracelet with various pictures of the Virgin Mary. Also on this beach was observed a roaming cow, and during my 1:30am visit I watched a boat of fishermen leave the shore for work.
A public outdoor laundry mat in Mumbai. Referred to as 'Dhobi Ghat' - I imagine the main customers are businesses as typical families probably wash their own laundry? I will say the water in the cement vats did not look all that clean to me, but perhaps the items come out relatively more sanitary than they went in, I don't know. But, the Marriott better not have been utilizing this to clean my bed sheets.
A house (Mumbai) where Ghandi lived for a portion of his life. Yes, I did get to wander inside. Kind of surreal.
Alexis and I outside an old Portuguese church in 'Old Goa' - where St. Francis' body is tombed. No, I don't know anything about St. Francis; but I lit the obligatory candles and purchased the obligatory flower necklace for 20 rupees just to do as a tourist should do.
The J.W. Marriott pool which was just off Juhu beach in Mumbai; a fabulous hotel which is highly recommended though it has no excuse to be anything less at $400usd a night.
Below sits the Gateway to India a popular tourist destination which as you can see from the picture is undergoing partial rennovation. Not surprisingly I was approached by many peddlers, including a few selling really large funky balloons, gotta throw in the unusual I guess.
